Photo By Katherine Culpepper
Cody
and I were standing in our bedroom. We
were panicked. There was danger
outside. Devastation looming ahead of
us. We could see vividly out of the two
double windows. The lake, the beautiful
and peaceful lake lay in front of us. On
the lake were six tornados coming our way.
Six tornados spinning our direction, not slowing down. Cody in all his protective nature remained
level headed. We thought we had more
time. We took one more look out the
window, it was inevitable—The tornados were too close. Cody grabbed my hand and said, “I Love you, are you ready?” The
tornados ripped through the bedroom, ripped through our lives. Chaos abounded.
Then I woke up…
Cody
and I were driving down the road. Cody
was driving, while I was in the passenger seat.
Something was happening. Danger
was around us. Cody was trying to get
away. We were going too fast. He went up a big hill of some sort. All of a sudden the vehicle was flying
through the air. I looked out of the window
and saw darkness. We began falling. Cody grabbed my hand and said, “I Love you, are you ready?” Darkness eclipsed us.
Then I woke up…
Cody
and I were in our home office area. He
was sitting in our nice leather office chair, reclining back a little bit. I was sitting on my knees next to him. He was working patiently teaching me
something about our company office procedures.
All of a sudden a huge explosion erupted outside of our home. We both grabbed our ears to stop the
ringing. We looked around and it was beautiful,
indescribable colors floating around us.
Out of this world coloring and images.
Gravity was failing us. We began
floating in these colors. Cody grabbed
my hand and said, “This is it, this is the end, I Love you, are you ready?”
Then I woke up…
My heart is beating out my chest recalling these
dreams. All three dreams I had within
the last 6 months of Cody’s life. All
three dreams woke me up out of my sleep, shuddering from the realness. Shuddering with fear. I remember waking up and turning to my husband
for him to cuddle me close. The dreams
left me feeling insecure and aware of devastation looming.
But can we really be prepared for devastation? No. We. Can’t.
Over the six month period of having these dreams, I
recalled each one to my husband the next morning. We would talk about what they could
mean. If you know me, you know I have
always had vivid and very detailed dreams.
Some have a deep, underlying meaning, or some derived from eating too
close to bedtime. These felt deep
though. I thought about them regularly
afterward and even shared them with my mother.
The last one I had was within weeks of Cody’s death. I often think to myself if The Lord was
trying to prepare my spirit in some way?
Again, you can never be prepared for devastation.
My flesh cried out in fear after these dreams. Fear of the devastation becoming
reality. But God did not give us a
spirit of fear. “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but
of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” 2 Timothy 1:7.
Power, Love, and a Sound Mind. For years I have fought to have these God characteristics. I have struggled to put on fearlessness. When I think back to the first year of
marriage, as most newlyweds do, we had a tough first year and half of marriage. When I say tough, I mean tough. My biggest fear then- was our marriage ending
in divorce. My biggest fear was becoming
reality when we separated for 5 weeks and divorce papers were drawn. But God.
God showed up. God changed me in
those 5 weeks. My trust in Him grew more
in 5 weeks than in my 25 years. I will
never forget the day we had a supernatural breakthrough and we cried in joy as
we shredded the divorce papers. Was
marriage perfect after that season of darkness?
No. But we were stronger for
it. God walked me through my biggest
fear then. To be honest, the enemy still
had a stronghold of fear over me. The
fear of ‘losing’ Cody never subsided.
The fear of aloneness remained in the back of my mind. Aloneness was and is the root of my biggest
fear.
Since my husband’s death, I have had many people
share with me how amazed they are at my faith through this season of loss
(nothing short of the Grace of God and trust me I have my dark days). I have
had many people admit to me their biggest fear is losing their spouse or a close
loved one. Many people have shared
similar descriptions of how fear grips them to the point of a temporary
paralyzing feeling. That fear was not
and never will be from our Heavenly Father.
What happens when your biggest fear becomes
reality? What happens when you wake up
one day and you find that your whole world is destroyed by devastation? What do you do? Give into the paralyzing fear that you won’t
be able to get up from it? Or fight your
flesh and know that all you can do is surrender the fear. Give it up.
I no longer want to be a slave to fear.
I whisper the word fearless
under my breath dozens of times a day. I
am fearless in Christ. You are fearless
in Christ.
Even in our worst fears—God is still here. Walking this faith journey and living through
our biggest fears—brings beautiful glorify to our Heavenly Father. It makes us stronger warriors for Him. It doesn’t mean hard days will not come knocking—but
we can have a peace in knowing Who holds those hard days and every trial we
face during our time on this earth.
God is perfect love.
If we abide in Him, we should have no fear. “There is no fear in perfect love, but
perfect love casts out fear…” 1 John 4:18
Three months ago, while praying, The Lord gave me a
vision of myself standing on a rock in the middle of water. I was balancing myself on this rock. I was fearful of falling. I was fearful in the aloneness I felt. I looked up and the word ‘Fearless’ was
floating around me. I thought I was all
alone, but God had His hand outstretched reaching for me.
God has walked me through my biggest fears in
life. He is still continuing to walk me
through my biggest fear in life.
He is calling me to be fearless. He is calling you to be fearless.
I can hear The Lord prompting me to a life of
fearlessness as he reaches for my hand, saying,
“I Love you, are you ready?”
I Trust my God, I Trust my God, I Trust my God.
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