I Don't Want To...

Do you ever have the ‘I don’t want to’ in life?  Of course you have.  I don’t want to get out of bed today.  I don’t want to go to work today.  I don’t want to go to school today.  I don’t want to do my homework today.  I don’t want to cook dinner today.  I don’t want to be nice today.  I don’t want to ‘adult’ today.  The majority of us subconsciously says, or thinks these things on an almost daily basis.  I don’t want to…

I have had this attitude every day for nearly two weeks now.  My ‘want to’ for anything has dissipated.  I don’t want to face the day.  I don’t want to fake the smile on my face.  I don’t want to hide my anger.  I don’t want to pretend I’m okay.  I don’t want to face the loneliness of widowhood.  I don’t want to be a single parent.  I don’t want to figure out this new chapter of life.  I don’t want to face the grief.  I don’t want to face any new issues.  I don’t want to read my Bible.  I don’t want to praise God.  I don’t want to worship Him.  I don’t want to proclaim His goodness.  I don’t want to trust God.  I don’t want to relinquish control.  I don’t want to…

#transparency #idontwantto

But this morning I woke up.  And I don’t just mean opened my eyes and got out of bed, I mean I WOKE UP.  My spirit was stirred.  I had a revelation of how real my ‘I don’t want to’ is.  I had a revelation of how dangerous this mindset is.  It takes one second to make a dangerously wrong decision in life because you’re bitter or hurt or numb.  I am so thankful the Lord already knows where we are.  He meets us in the valley.  He meets us in the dark.  He meets us in the hurt.  He meets us right smack dab in the middle of our messes.  Nothing is too much for Him to bear.  What a big, big Father we have.  What a Loving Father we have.  He is Abba Father, He is agape Love.  He is everything good and pure. He is a good, good Father. 

“I've heard a thousand stories of what they think you're like
But I've heard the tender whispers of love in the dead of night
And you tell me that you're pleased
And that I'm never alone

You're a good good father
It's who you are, it's who you are, it's who you are
And I'm loved by you
It's who I am, it's who I am, it's who I am…

Oh, it's love so undeniable
I, I can hardly speak
Peace so unexplainable
I, I can hardly think
As you call me deeper still
As you call me deeper still
As you call me deeper still
Into love, love, love…”

Chris Tomlin, Good Good Father

It’s the ‘As you call me deeper still’ part of walking the faith journey that has me saying ‘I don’t want to’… I find myself crying out to God “Lord, haven’t I done enough for You lately?  Can’t I just have a break?  I’m so weary.  Please why this now?  What more do You want from me?  What more do I have to give you?  How am I expected to praise You still?”  This makes me think of the Book of Job in the Bible.  “And the Lord said to satan, “Have you considered my servant Job, that there is none like him on earth, a blameless and upright man, who fears God and turns away from evil?”  Then satan answered the Lord and said, “Does Job fear God for no reason?  Have you not put a hedge around him and his house and all that he has, on every side?  You have blessed the work of his hands, and his possessions have increased in the land.  But stretch out your hand and touch all that he has, and he will curse you to your face.”  And the Lord said to satan, “Behold, all that he has is in your hand.  Only against him do not stretch out your hand.”  So satan went out from the presence of the Lord.” Job 1:8-12

Nothing happens without sifting through our Heavenly Father’s hands first.  Even when it seems unjust.  In a matter of moments Job’s property, his oxen, donkey’s, sheep, camels, and many servants were destroyed by various calamities.  His many sons and daughters died by a great wind striking the four corners of the house and it fell on them.  All of these great tragedies were reported one right after another.  What Job did next is the epitome of faith.

“Then Job arose and tore his robe and shaved his head and fell on the ground and worshipped.  And he said, “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return.  The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away’ blessed be the name of the Lord.”  In all this Job did not sin or charge God with wrong.” 1:20-22. 

What if Job responded with, “I don’t want to… I don’t want to proclaim your goodness.  I don’t want to worship you.  I don’t want to fall on my face for you.

I want to be more like Job. 

I strive to be more like Him.  Praising God, no matter what catastrophes in life come my way.  I do not want to be shaken. 

God then gave permission to satan again regarding Job.  “And the Lord said to satan, Behold, he is in your hand; only spare his life.”  Job: 2:6

If you continue reading you will see Job’s health was attacked.  “So satan went out from the presence of the Lord and struck Job with loathsome sores from the sole of his foot to the crown of his head.  And he took a piece of broken pottery with which to scrape himself while he sat in the ashes.” 2:7

His wife encouraged him to curse God.  Job again responds in faithfulness, “But he said to her, “You speak as one of the foolish women would speak.  Shall we receive good from God, and shall we not receive evil?  In all this Job did not sin with his lips.”

Wow, just wow.  Job did not even falter in his praise yet again.  He did not allow anger to leave his lips toward God. 

I want to be more like Job in my attitude. 

His best friends began judging him, saying he must have some secret sin and he deserved all of the tragedy occurring in his life.  Job held fast to his faith.  But he was human.  He grew weary.  He cursed the day he was born.  He justified Gods actions of allowing bad things to happen to good people.

By the end of the book of Job you will read that The Lord restored Job’s fortunes, giving him twice as much as he had before.   

Did you know Job was human?  Just like me, just like you.  I don’t know about you, but sometimes I forget that the people written about in the Bible were actual flesh and blood walking this earth.  They didn’t have some magic power to ‘deal’ with adversity better.  They walked through valleys, some very dark valleys.  But God was with them.  Just as He is with us.  I wonder how much differently the story of Job would have been if Job responded with… “I don’t want to… I don’t want to praise You.  I don’t want to proclaim Your goodness.  I don’t want to stand in faithfulness.  I don’t want to trust You, Lord. 

I want to be more like Job.  Even when my first reaction to bad news is…I don’t want to face this…

What if Noah told God he didn’t want to build the ark?

What if Mary said she didn’t want to give birth to the Savior of the world?

What if David said he didn’t want to fight Goliath?

What if Esther said she didn’t want to be Queen?

What if the disciples told Jesus they didn’t want to follow Him?

Walking with God is not for the faint of heart.  We’re human.  The ‘I don’t want to’ of the flesh is inevitably going to rear its negative head, especially when our faith is held to the flame.  But it’s during those times, those suffocating, dark, lonely times that God meets us.  He transforms our hearts, our minds and our faith.  His ways are so much higher than are human minds can even begin to fathom.  Yet He still wants us.  He still desires us close to Him.  He is enthralled with us. 

 

‘I don’t want to’ be apart from Him.

‘I don’t want to’ be out of His will.

‘I don’t want to’ be apart from His grace.

‘I don’t want to’ live without Him.

I Trust my God, I Trust my God, I Trust my God…