Today is
one of those reminiscing days. One of
those gut-wrenching lonely days. You
know, those days where no matter what you do, you just cannot seem to get out
of the ‘funk’. Yea, it’s one of those
days for me for sure. Could be because
it is 5-years ago today that I first met my husband. The intensity of missing him is something
fierce today. But it is okay. I know I will be okay. It’s a process. This whole grieving thing is
just a process. “Trust the process” they
say. Okay, I will, but I trust my God
more.
It’s
days like today, that I can look back over the last 5-months and see all of the
progress I have made emotionally, and spiritually. But it also becomes more real.
Reality
becomes more real.
I can
vividly see how much more I have to go in ‘this process’. It’s so easy to get ahead of ourselves in
life. It’s so difficult, well at least
for me, to just ‘be’. To just live in
this moment and in this day. Why is that
so hard? My mind is constantly wondering
and worrying. I am constantly trying to
figure out God’s big plan for my life. Or
making sure I don’t mess His plan up.
Let me stop there for a second- I
can’t mess God’s plan up. Nope. I am definitely not that important. How could little old me mess up the King of
the Universe’s plan? He doesn’t love me
or anyone any more or less for their actions, good or bad. (Obviously not a free card to sin.) But his love is not based on merits earned by
good behavior. For some reason I have
needed reminding of this lately. I feel
as if a million eyes are on me and I can’t mess up for fear of failure or gossip. Let me just say, “Ain’t nobody got time for
that!” That quick sand way of thinking
is suffocating. It will cause us more
chaos even if it’s only in the depths of our own minds.
Back to
reminiscing… For some reason, today I cannot stop thinking of Amarillo the
Armadillo. Let me tell you the story of
Amarillo. It was fall of 2015, Cody and
I had been living in our lake house for nearly 4 months. It was after dark and Cody was in the front
yard. He came inside with a tense look
on his face. Before I could ask him what
was wrong, he said, “I think we have an armadillo.” Me, not being from Texas had never seen an
armadillo. I was kind of excited. He of course looked at me like I was crazy
and instantly said, “that’s not a good thing”.
Having the biggest heart for literally every kind of animal- I made sure
he wasn’t going to kill this armadillo.
He assured me he would not kill this creature. The next day he set a trap for him. We checked the trap for two days. We would coaxingly call to this armadillo. If you know me- the woman who names every
fishing lure and fish caught with the named lures- I, of course had to give
this armadillo a name… So we called him Amarillo the Armadillo. No sign of
Amarillo the Armadillo. Then one morning
while I was dressing for work Cody ran in the house excitedly saying, “The trap
worked! We trapped him!” Cody had devised the plan of loading the trap
in the bed of the truck and driving down the lake road where woods were
predominant and then set Amarillo free. He
was insistent I go with him. I eagerly
agreed, excited for our little morning adventure together. (It was always an adventure with Cody.)
I hurriedly
dressed and walked outside to the trap where this very ugly, but very sad
looking creature named Amarillo was encaged.
My heart burst for this helpless animal.
I know what you’re thinking- I’m crazy.
But our little bushes of forest in our front yard had become Amarillo’s
home. All I could think about was how we
were trapping Amarillo, ripping him from his home, and banishing him to a
faraway land for him to begin again. I
felt sad for this creature. We were the ‘master’s’
of our land- the land that he decided to dwell on. We had the say so if he stayed or if we’d end
his life, or relocate him. We were in
control. He was just along for the ride
so to speak. He didn’t ask to be
trapped, or for his life to get turned upside down.
Cody
loaded the trap up carefully, while Amarillo began heaving his body back and
forth. It was obviously his defense
mechanism. But under the aggressiveness was
fear. Fear of the unknown.
Amarillo
was loaded successfully. We hopped in
the truck and began our morning adventure.
We drove for a few minutes and decided on an area near a little bridge
surrounded with woods. Cody retrieved
the cage and set it on the ground.
Amarillo was trembling. I
wondered if he thought we were going to hurt him. Cody carefully and very quickly unlatched the
cage. Amarillo literally sprinted out of
the cage, heading toward the woods… His new home. But, then he did the oddest thing… Halfway to
the woods, he stopped, and turned back to us.
His little body was no longer trembling.
I swear he had a look of thankfulness in his dark eyes. As fast as Amarillo the Armadillo came into
our lives, was as fast as he disappeared.
I feel like Amarillo the Armadillo.
I feel like I was in a safe dwelling place in life. I was content. I was safe and in my comfort zone. Then the ‘Master’, being God, came and scooped me up out of my dwelling place (current life). I temporarily put myself in a cage- just as Amarillo willingly entered his cage. My cage being my emotions, grief and fear of the unknown. When my Master comes to jingle my cage, I tremble, for fear of the unknown. But he knows where He’s taking me- just like we knew where we were taking Amarillo. We knew he had nothing to fear. We knew we were taking him to a better place and a place better suited for him.
I feel like Amarillo the Armadillo. Trusting blindly of the Master’s plan…
“But I trust in you, LORD; I say, “You are my God.”” Psalm 31:14
“When I
am afraid, I put my trust in you.” Psalm 56:3
I Trust my God, I Trust my God, I Trust my God….
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