Revelation

Some days are so hard. 

Hard doesn't even come close to describing the emptiness in my heart and spirit in dark moments. Life was a roller coaster with you. Literally. Life was spontaneous. You taught me to 'Live in the Moment'. I'm so thankful you showed me the preciousness of Life. You knew what it was like to be stripped down to nothing and to praise God anyway. There was a point in your life when you lost everything and yet you were thankful for everything at the same time. You showed me this huge life concept.

To Praise Him in a palace or a prison. 

Some moments my mind feels like a prison. But I think of all the Lord brought us through and the bigger picture of Life and Eternity and I can't contain my Praise. 
The other day I closed my eyes and I was trying to remember your smell, your touch, your lips, you seemed so far away. It was like a punch in my gut, over and over again. 
But then you come back to me so swiftly. I can hear your laugh and feel your lips on my forehead- giving me my 'safety kiss' as we called it. I can hear your heart beating as I did hundreds of times when my head was on your chest. I can feel your arms around me, protecting me.

These past 4 months have been emotionally indescribable. Our 4.5 years of marriage was filled with so much laughter, fun, silliness, sweetness, Love... But also, dark times, on the verge of divorce, addictions, hurtful words, loneliness... As I'm sure every marriage has experienced parts of both spectrums. These last 4 months I think of the darker times. It makes me not as sad. It makes it easier to cope with this devastation. 
But The Lord is continuing to work in me. He is bringing me to a place of peace I have never experienced in my life. 

I close my eyes and remember falling in Love with Cody Lusk. I remember the butterflies he gave me up until my last day with him. I remember every time he left for work out of town he would write a dozen notes to me and place them throughout the house for me to find when I got home from work. He would always place one on my pillow case telling me sweet dreams. He spent the last year remodeling our home. Making it perfect for me. I can remember us grabbing pinkies at church as we stood to worship our Heavenly Father together. He would slowly move his pinkie up until our hands were interlocked. He would pull me closer to him and many times pray over me in my ear as I worshiped. He would get down on his knees every night before bed and pray out loud over our family and home. He was not bashful in his prayers and praises. He was not ashamed in who God was molding him into. 

God gave me a revelation the other day... 

It's not about me. 

This tragedy is not about me. 

I was sharing life stories with a friend the other night that didn't know much about my past. I shared about getting robbed and almost raped when I was 16 years old- and the years of court trials that followed along with 12 years of night terrors and PTSD, how I got hit by a car walking across the street when I was 18, how I watched my fur baby of 6 years get mauled to his death by a pit bull, and now walking through this trial. 

What if none of these events are about me? 

None of them define who I am. 

God does. 

Bad things happen in life. Death is inevitable. That doesn't make the grieving process any less hard though. Life is full of chaos. It's things breaking down, crashing economies, loss of jobs, difficult people. 

But life is also so beautiful. Life is Hope. Life is dreams coming true, your hearts-desire getting fulfilled, it's falling in love, it's helping people. 
Life is finding Beautiful moments in the midst of the ruble and chaos. 'Arriving' in life, I believe, is truly making a conscious effort to live and enjoy 'This Moment'. Not chalking up an entire day as bad, because something bad happened in it. 
I want to live by Nehemiah 8:10 "...This day is holy to our Lord. Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength."
I can honestly say I am excited about my Life. My life in this moment is something I would have never imagined or dreamt for myself, but it is the path The Lord has ordained for me to walk. So I will make a conscious effort to get my eyes off myself and focus on the people around me and Live each moment as if it were my last.

"Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice insofar as you share Christ's sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed." 1 Peter 4:12-13.

I Trust my God, I Trust my God, I Trust my God.