So many emotions the last few days have taken camp
on my heart as I face the 1-year mark of Cody being home in heaven. But of all
the emotions I’ve faced—Thankfulness is the most prevalent. I am so thankful for
having experienced the Love of Cody Lusk. I am thankful to raise the life we
created. I am thankful for the new appreciation of life I have. I am thankful for
the people the Lord has brought into my life this last year. I am thankful for
the deep grief, pain and sorrow, because it has allowed me to experience true joy
and peace on a new level.
Tragedy doesn’t have to define you. We do not have
to be victims of tragedy for the remainder of our lives. God does not allow
tragedy to penetrate our lives for it to be forgotten in the ground… He put in
us a strength and a faith that can erupt like a volcano when we Surrender to
HIM. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt, and it doesn’t mean questions don’t
come—but it means we can accept and TRUST that God has us in the palm of His hands—“We
are covered under His feathers and under His wings we will find refuge.” Psalm
91:4. I don’t know about you, but there is no place else I’d rather be than
covered under His wings.
The word eternity
has pierced my heart this last year. I now have a deep desire to be more
eternally focused. Over the last year I have re-read dozens and dozens of letters
and love notes from Cody over the years of our marriage. Every single one ended
with, “I Love you, Eternally”. The definition of eternally is, “in a way that
continues and lasts forever; permanently.” That makes my heart smile. Over the
last couple of months I am ashamed to admit I have struggled with anger in
regards to unresolved things in our marriage. I would angrily cry out to God
hundreds of WHY’S?
On New Year’s Eve while praying in my special prayer
area, I had my face buried in my hands sobbing and I felt a little hand on my
shoulder. I looked up and baby Abby was standing inches from me with her arms
outstretched. In that moment I felt the Holy Spirit say, “It is finished. Cody
is with me. He Loved you with all that he had and I left the best part of him
with you.” In that moment the burden of the unanswerable ‘why’s’ that were
haunting me dissipated. The anger was released and replaced with that
unexplainable peace that exists when we surrender. In that moment as my
daughters little body was wrapped around mine, her little face nestled in my
neck, feeling her heart beating and her breath on my skin, a new strength and
love arose. I began to see a part of my heart neatly wrapped up with a pretty
bow on it—that part of my heart was Cody’s and our life together. I then saw a
huge part of my heart beating that I never knew existed. I’m realizing it’s
okay to desire certain things again. It’s okay to look to the future with excitement.
It’s okay to stop asking why.
It doesn’t matter why.
It doesn’t matter what happened.
It doesn’t matter.
That may sound cold, and I don’t mean it to at all.
I just mean I am coming to a place, a new stage of healing and I’m realizing no
amount of screams and cries to God or Cody in anger will change anything.
Accepting that it was ordained for me to only get 4.5 years with him and Abby
was only to get 9 months with him… But we have eternity to look forward to.
When I read the words “I Love you, Eternally”
written by my husband, my heart soars and breaks at the same time. But you know
what is marinated in my soul even deeper than my husband speaking those words?
Is my Heavenly Daddy speaking those same words over me—He Loves me eternally.
He will never leave or forsake me or my daughter. He has more than taken care
of us these last 12 months and I trust and have faith He will continue to do
so.
Romans 5:2-5 tells us “Through him we have also
obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in
hope of the glory of God. Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings,
knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character,
and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s
love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given
to us.”
I’ve had people ask me over the last 12 months if I
have felt guilty for laughing or having fun. My instant answer is ‘NO’. I will
never feel guilty for laughing or for exuding joy and God’s Love. Because joy
and love is the essence of life. Cody was one of the most exuberant souls you
would have ever met.
He would never want me to live my life in darkness
and sadness forever.
So I refuse to.
Grief changes you, but it doesn’t have to be a
permanent sad kind of change.
It can be a strengthening change.
A brave change.
A learning to Love deeper kind of change.
A let’s not take life for granted kind of change.
So yes, grief and tragedy has changed me, but not in
the worlds way of thinking. God’s eternal love has penetrated my life on so
many new levels this year that wouldn’t be had it not been for experiencing
deep loss. I would have never chosen to walk this walk, but here I am. So every
day I ask the Lord for help and continue to repeat…
I Trust my God, I Trust my God, I Trust my God.
Beautifully written. Thank you for sharing your words and feelings. Not only do I feel like it is good for your soul to express those feelings but the way God lays those words out for you is admirable and definitely touches the hearts of others.
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